Unspoken Costs: The Price of Avoiding Tough Feedback

There’s a price to silence. Silence is a double-edged sword: while it can sometimes yield immense rewards, there are critical moments where its mishandling exacts a heavy toll. It's in these moments that opportunities are lost, relationships strained, and career paths redirected.

The consequences of a mismanaged silence are profound, leaving us grappling with feelings of regret, deflation, confusion, or even anger. This happened to Greg, and I’d like to share his story.

My first encounter with Greg wasn’t just a coaching session; it was a pivotal moment that helped reshape my approach to giving feedback. Greg’s story highlights the price of silence.

I was asked to work with Greg after he missed out on his dream job because none of his superiors had given him the feedback he truly needed to hear. How did it come to this?

A seasoned professional, Greg had established an impressive track record, consistently earning Outstanding ratings in Performance Appraisals for nearly a decade. His opinions were sought after, locally and nationally.

Naturally, when the chance to interview for the Head of Department came along, Greg approached it with confidence and excitement. He was sure his record of achievement and hard work would secure him the role - a long-held career ambition of his.

However, the interview panel saw things differently. In a brutal revelation, they informed Greg that he lacked the elusive quality of “leadership presence”. They couldn’t envisage him as the department’s figurehead because in their view he lacked sufficient gravitas. This revelation hit Greg hard.

As I listened to Greg’s story of hurt and disillusionment in our first coaching session, it made a profound impact on me.

Greg had missed out on a career dream because of a crucial feedback void that none of his superiors or previous coaches had addressed. Greg was understandably angry because he had no opportunity to address this perceived personal weakness.

Witnessing Greg’s disappointment fuelled my determination never to be the coach who shied away from providing my clients challenging critical insights: today, my clients show their gratitude for it. 

Giving tough or sensitive feedback is a big challenge for us all. It’s easy to call out strengths, and it’s important we do, but drawing attention to some potentially confronting areas can be tricky. It takes courage, discernment, good timing, and a nuanced tone.

As they say, feedback is a gift.  If you find yourself in the position of being the giver, here are some guiding principles to ensure that your feedback is not only appropriate but also well-received, leaving a positive impact on someone’s professional development – especially when delivering a tough message:

1.     Consider the recipient:

Tailor your approach to fit the recipient's personality and emotional resilience. Respect the recipient’s experience, known talents and skills.

2.     Deliver feedback with the right intentions and tone:

Approach the conversation with genuine concern for the person's growth, framing feedback as an opportunity for learning and improvement. Recognize that effective communication varies from person to person, so adapt your communication style accordingly.  Your body language, vocal tone, messaging technique and delivery style are critical. Ask yourself: “As a result of my feedback, how do I want this person to feel when they leave the room?”

3.     Base feedback on well-informed observations:

Gather specific examples and evidence to support your feedback. Avoid generalizations and hearsay. Ensure your judgement isn’t clouded by personal bias. Make your feedback direct, focused on improvement, and couched within an appreciative framework.

4. Be clear and direct when delivering tough feedback:

Focus on actionable suggestions for improvement while expressing appreciation for the individual's efforts and acknowledging their known strengths.  Keep the focus on the future rather than dwelling on past mistakes.

Ultimately, when delivering difficult messages, it's crucial to acknowledge that there's a price to silence. It can be costly. Let’s learn from Greg’s story.

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